The Drug of a Narcissist

The Long Road from Hell

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My world was shattered last week, Wednesday, June 29, 2016, at approximately 7:20 p.m.  My fiancé, the man I had been building a life with for the last 5 years, arrived home from a two week trip to God knows where, and informed me that our life together, as I knew it, was over.

I would love to be able to summarize, briefly, what caused it — but it wasn’t any single event.  Our relationship had grown a bit…sedate.  Demanding jobs and familiarity can cause that.  But no fights, no explosions.  Just a two week ‘poof,’ from him, a return, and what artifacts of his life he could pack up within the span of several hours, and he was out the door — leaving me in a pile of emotional and financial rubble.  No idea where he went.  No idea with whom.  I was literally blindsided, and the only thing I know is the partner I had come to rely on is gone with reasons I can only deem suspect.

In wondering what happened, I reached out to some trusted friends, who told me that, perhaps, I should research Narcissism…because ‘Kyle’ (Not his real name) seemed to fit several of the major categories for Narcissism.

Upon reading and learning more, I was numb.  It was as if each article, each link….every morsel I was picking up was just a mirror of the life I had been living, and a picture perfect portrait of the man I had been building it with.  What was worse…I could not deny my own reflection in the words detailing what their victims became and suffered.

Because I have to become healed, and get back to the person I was…I am starting this blog.  I need to understand all the complexities of this vicious, life-altering Tango I had been unknowlingly dancing to since we reconnected a long time ago.  I feel as if I am an empty shell of a woman now…used up and discarded, and he is happily starting a new chapter, with zero regard as to how much he has destroyed the life I was living to the core.  I don’t know who the fuck I am anymore, and I have to find that person again before I can pick up the shards of this shattered existence and try to live again.

Being on the receiving end of Narcissistic Abuse is undeniably fucked up:  It’s incremental in it’s takeover of the victim.  I almost wish he’d hit me:  THAT I could verify when/where it happened.  The little digs…the love bombing….the discarding….you absolutely cannot fathom how confusing it is to live this existence with a person who is patient enough to extract enough when they need it, and crafty enough to do it before your eyes and not have you see what’s happening, until it’s too late.  By that time..you will not recognize the person who has looked back at you in the mirror.

I need to understand this…and, more importantly…I need to work my way back to some semblance of who I was.  I need to let other people who have this ‘What is going on with me’ gnawing in their soul to look very hard, and maybe recognize they are headed for a huge crash if they don’t switch direction NOW — and with any hope, they can see some of their life as I tell this story, and get themselves out before more damage is done.  Maybe others who are on the same journey I am will feel less alone as they realize someone else if going through the same fucked up mess of rebuilding their life as a stranger to themselves and keep asking the question ‘How did I get here?’

Thank you for visiting.  I hope you’ll come back.  I hope I come back, too.

 

 

 

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