As my fiancé walked out the door for the last time last Thursday – his last words to me will ring in my head forever: ‘You know I love you.’
Yes…his last words, as he was leaving me for whatever lie he had cooked up to cover whatever trail he was blazing to move onto a new source of Narcissistic Supply…were that he loved me.
That is the last lie he will ever tell me.
If you find yourself in a relationship with a Narcissist, I am certain you hear that a lot. It is also a complete and utter giant, wet, steaming pile of bullshit.
Narcissists are categorically incapable of loving as a normal person understands that concept to be. Narcissist love what you do for them. The adore how you have a supply of emotional and mental resources to drain.
But I can promise you – they do not, nor will they ever love you in the traditional sense.
Please do not kid yourself if you think your NARC is different: Aside from physical attributes…they are cut from the same cloth. ‘Love’ is tool they craft in order to take from you what they want. They mist us with their charms…they mimic expertly what the motions should be for love. But they cannot muster the empathy, compassion, tenderness and selflessness that is required to have a loving relationship.
The Love Bombing phase is where we, the Targets, fall in love. But, those who we fall in love with are just not who they are at their core. They can never truly be that compassionate, caring soul we are sure is at the heart of all those amazing romantic moments.
The Narcissist loves themselves – as much as they are capable of something resembling ‘love’. They love that the Target doesn’t see them for who they are. They love that the Target is their own, personal pile of silly putty – able to mold and shape as they want. They are NOT interested in helping you grow with them. They have no time or concern to nurture the best in you, and still love the worst in you. They do not love you, and never truly will.
They do NOT love – the sooner you realize that, the sooner you can clear your head from their mist. And it’s sad, ultimately, because they will never be ‘whole’ in the sense most people are. They are missing something elemental that got skipped due to trauma while they were young, or some horrible upbringing that nurtured something dark and draining in them. And they can’t ever ‘learn’ those wonderful qualities that add the cherry on the cake of life for you and I. I do weep for the children those NARCS used to be – it’s sad to know that they missed an essential part of growing up where they learned to appreciate and cherish the good in other people, rather than extract it for their own personal gain.
Their love will ALWAYS come with an asterisk — there will always be a footnote to clarify what they say when they say ‘I love you.’ It does come with conditions — just not conditions they share with you in the beginning…and likely never will.
I would say that the best response, when you hear ‘I Love you, ‘ from a NARC is to look them in the eye, smile, and say ‘Go Fuck Yourself!’