School is in Session

Ending life with a Narcissist is truly…an education.  And education into the real person you thought you knew. 

And, as you learn more and more about the ‘real’ person behind the masked one you lived with…you will likely find yourself shell-shocked.  Whether it’s through Narcissistic Rage as you Gray Rock them,  whether it’s finding remnants of the secret life they led in conjuction with the one you lived with them, or just realizing that every memory you have with them you thought was good is now tainted as you see the lies that accompanied their every waking moment.  You will undoubtedly feel like you know nothing about them, or yourself as you realize what endured in life with them.

It’s a painful lesson…but one all survivors of these human parasites must learn.

I have learned more about the man I ‘loved’ in two weeks since he left than I clearly ever knew of him in all the years we were together.  I have learned that he would look me in the eye, grab my face and hold it, while telling me how sorry he was he had to do what he did – knowing full well he had been planning his exit for months.  I learned he thought nothing of defrauding the small company he had been entrusted with building to the point it had to close due to his theft.  I learned he was a lecherous pervert who kept various pictures of his genitalia on his phone and sent it to his female subordinates.   I learned he thought nothing of making up a devastating health crisis for his oldest son in order to get an absence from work so he could orchestrate his exit strategy from his company that he knew full well he was going to decimate with his fraud.

I desperately need for school to be out:  The more I learn, the more the disappointment and guilt overwhelms me, and I grieve for how little the life I thought I had never lived – I can’t even say it died…as something truly alive has to be for it to perish.  The man I loved, the relationship I thought we shared…never remotely existed.  I can’t take one more lesson in how not only was I expendable, so were the careers and livelihoods of the people who worked hard for him to help him attain monthly bonuses, and the massive trust the company’s owner placed in him.  That his partner in life, and his employees and his boss demonstrated loyalty to him that was nothing more than a credit card for him to max out and leave someone else to pay the bill.

Which, given what I am learning about Narcissism, none of this should surprise me – They just do not exist on a level of ‘humanity’ that includes empathy or compassion:  I have read that at least 100 times in various forms as I learn, and it still shakes me that these bags of skin walk among us.  Accepting that they expertly mimic these qualities you and I have is a very difficult hurdle – it truly is difficult work to get that there are people who exists without these basic tools of humanity.  But they do.  If you are one of the unfortunate souls tangled in with these people – take heart – be glad it is difficult to understand:  It means you are a normal, compassionate human being and not understanding it means you aren’t ever capable of this kind of soul-crushing evil.

As difficult and painful as this education is…I know that, after I learn and absorb these lessons, I will feel better about myself.  I will feel better prepared to trust again.  And I will feel more empowered to maintain steadfast boundaries to protect those qualities in myself I hold dear.