Dear Kyle,

I find it ironic that I began to know the real you when we came to an end.

The man I loved died on June 29, 2016.  Actually, you likely died long before that…but the man I knew as the ‘love of my life’ died when I realized that you could utter the words ‘I love you’, while you destroyed my heart, my love, and left the life we built in shambles…leading me to carry in in the rubble of your absence.

Make no mistake…I did love you.  I still love the you who painted yourself to be with me, so you could extract from me the fruits of my work, my emotional support, and my mental energy.  I loved the man you faked in order to be with me. 

But I hate the man you actually are.

You say ‘I love you’ with so much sincerity at times, it’s easy to believe.  My heart aches for your children who get the byproduct of your fake love.  I wish to God I’d been smarter when you appeared on my doorstep to return to my life.  I wished I’d been able to listen to my inner voice that said something wasn’t right.  What kind of a morally bankrupt person leaves his own children, who did nothing to deserve your abandonment, in order to live out your fantasy of a responsibility-free life.  They did absolutely nothing to deserve your turned back, nor did they ever ask for it.  (Had they had input, I’m sure they would have preferred their sperm donor not be a soulless, black-hearted monster who only walks the earth to use those who cross his path.)

It always bothered me how you could seemingly cast them aside.  Of course, your ‘selfless’ reason of not wanting to put the kids through turmoil between you and your ex-wife made some sense…but didn’t fit with the man I thought you to be.  You made it painfully clear that the subject was not to be discussed.  I learned to drop it.  I never agreed with it…and I know the day will come when the day to day responsibilities of parenting and attempting to be a good role model will wear you down again, your wanderlust will take over, and the children will be abandoned again.   I know it as sure as I am sitting here – you leave those you purport to love when they no longer serve your purpose of the moment.  It’s the one thing those who have loved you can count on:  That you will leave them.

I will never understand why you chose to leave when you did.  I can only assume it’s because, as a Narcissist, you knew that I was financially nervous, your lies were catching up to you, and bailing – your go-to option, was the time to do it with maximum destruction.  I don’t understand why, when I supported you, literally and figuratively, all those years, that you felt the need to leave me alone, broke, and emotionally crushed.  Why couldn’t you just say ‘Hey…moving on?’  It would have been so much easier.  It was the least I deserved.

But you needed the rush of seeing how completely you could destroy another person.  One who gave you all you ever asked for, and more.  One who defended you when your actions seemed indefensible.  One who stood by you when, literally, everyone else in your life went away.  That, however, was not enough for you, and never will be.  You had to leave me with no warning, right before a vacation you knew I looked forward to, and when my responsibilities as a homeowner drained me of what little financial reserve I’d built up after years of supporting us both.  You knew the stress of my mother’s illness was becoming overbearing for me and I might actually need you to provide support you were never able, nor willing, to give.

But I realized something, as I try and make sense of this cruelty delivered by the hand of the man I held so dear.  You did kill a large part of me that day when you exited the world we build.  You killed the part of me you created.  You killed the weak-willed, trembling, scared-of-you-disapproval woman.  You slayed the nervous, worrying creature that lived in fear of your disappointment.

What was left is who I was before you reentered my life.  I am strong.  I am capable.  And I am wise.  You did your best to destroy that part of me…but it was actually stronger than you.  Yes, you built quite a fortress around her.  You hid her under years of lies, half-truths, and deception all designed to craft an image that the parts of me that didn’t doubt you allowed themselves to grow.  Like weeds on a untended garden, they choked off so much of the vegetation of me.  I was so confounded by your lies, and believed in the illusion you created, I didn’t tend to my inner beds as I should have, and the overgrowth nearly covered the best parts of me.

Alas, the man who always boasted of winning lost that battle.  You failed miserably in killing off the parts of me that now grow strong.  I’m clearing out the weeds of my life with you, and the light that hits those parts of me still alive are growing stronger, day by day.  Your lies that still occasionally creep into my life after your exit no longer hurt me.  They only feed the stronger parts of me that continue to grow as I realize your toxicity is a thing of my past. 

I smile when I realize that you did not, ultimately, succeed at my expense.

Yes, you hurt me.  Yes, I have been setback.  Yes, I grieve the life I envisioned we were building that is now dead and buried.  However…you did NOT break me.  You did NOT kill me.  And you did NOT win the final battle.  You retreated, like a coward.  You tried on a new life that, if there is any appreciation of truth in your dark, empty soul, you know is doomed to fail.  A life built on lies, by it’s very nature, cannot sustain itself.  Your lies will ultimately be your undoing.  You and I share that knowledge – although I am the only one who likely fully realizes it.

So enjoy your new life, how you can, while you can.  I am going to enjoy mine.  I am going to enjoy filling it with all the love, joy and fulfillment that you were incapable of providing.  Your life will follow the same pattern it always has – Sweep in, swoop down, destroy, and vanish.  It’s what you’ve mastered in almost half a century in this world, and you are so small minded that you can’t see how it is going to guarantee your future will be a dark and lonely one.

I wish you the best of luck, my former love.  Luck is the only way you will ever succeed in your way of life.

The problem is…luck always runs out.

Good Riddance, my sweet,

Trails of Wreckage

I have to admit that I am not very good at certain things:  Patience…keeping my car clean on the inside (Hey…no one ever asks me to drive…there IS a method to my madness!)….and bagging groceries.

When I lived on my own the first time, right after college…I had to go to the grocery store by myself.  And long gone were the baggers of old, who knew what they were doing.  I just threw crap in my bags, and left.

There is an art to it, as I learned.  I would get to the car, and realize that I’d left half the stuff behind as it randomly fell out because I wasn’t careful.  I usually had to end up playing grocery pickup…but I would still end up leaving behind a mess that either someone else picked up, or just scattered to God knows where.

That’s kind of like what happens when you end a relationship with a Narcissist.  They are utterly devoid of compassion and remorse…and if it might make them remotely ‘guilty’…it will be avoided at all costs.

And their previous mess, that came before you…is likely covered in their lies as well.

Case in point – when my NARC left his ex-wife, I was told it was impossible for him to continue living with her, as she was not treating her Borderline Personality Disorder, it was too difficult for him, and it was ‘putting the kids through too much.’  Oh, and she spent money like it was going out of style. 

He came to my doorstep, after 8 years apart, and expressed his never-died-out-love for me, how he appreciated what I offered him…blah, blah, blah.  I succumbed to his charm and ‘sincerity’, and promised to help him through the difficult part of the ‘tail end of his divorce.’  (I found out, years later, that the divorce, at that point, hadn’t even been officially filed.  Yes, our relationship reignited under a huge lie.  I am no longer surprised by the lies I continually find out I was told.)

Now…I knew at one point, he was a devoted single father to his oldest son when we dated the first time…so I shuddered to think what happened to make him abandon his own children with her.  What kind of living hell was this person going through to take so drastic a measure.

My guess is that ‘living hell’ was responsibility – but I digress.

Flash Forward 5 ½ years later.  I am under constant stress from a rental property that I can only bet describe as ‘left as a disaster’, that drained my personal savings to almost nothing as I sent check after check after check for repairs and maintenance the tenant never brought to my attention to fix.  He was aware of all of these, and assured me he’d help if I needed it.  So…additional repairs needed to be made…and of course…there were problems at his bank.  Oh…I thought I transferred that…excuse after excuse, but no help came.

Then, he ‘poofed’, under the guise of a business trip.  There was also the matter of charges he made that were WAY over my comfort level on the American Express.  He kept saying ‘sure…I will pay it.’  Then, made more charges…and more charges.  Then left.

He, of course, looked me in the eye on our last night together, and told me he was sending me money to cover those…help pay the remaining rent on our exorbitant lease…and to pay for furniture we picked out a few months ago that was on my charges as well.

Yes…you will notice a recurring them…MY Charges…MY account.  With such a spotty employment history, a repossession (his ex-wife’s fault…of course!)…his obtaining his own credit was nothing short of impossible.  So hey…just use mine!  Problem solved!  Again…I digress.

I made him sign a promissory note, detailing what he would pay, and when.  Why no…I haven’t seen a dime of it…why do you ask?

He left a day before a romantic cruise we had booked just a month before.  He left me with debts, and apartment that is too big for me in both size and lease, a giant saltwater fish tank that is a gross, smelly monstrosity at this point because I know slightly more about astro-physics than I do salt-water tank care.  He left me with tons of his clothes that I can only assume did not costume him well for his ‘new’ life.

He left me with tons of wreckage to clean up…a broken heart to do it with…and not two dimes to my name after paying all his bills on top of my own.

That is the hallmark of a Narcissist.  They come in, stay…then destroy what they can, how they can, and they leave with  bang just to make sure the rubble they leave gets blasted to sithereens.  They don’t care that they’ve left you…the person they ‘love’, with practical, financial, and emotional ruins.  They only care that they can move on with as little baggage as possible.

It seems unfathomable that people can treat people that way.  The Narcissist loves nothing more than a grand exit.  Maybe they leave you in such a state because they want to leave you so devastated you keep waiting for them to swoop in and rescue.  Perhaps it’s that they, like Heath Ledger’s Joker, ‘Just like to watch the world burn.’  It might just be that exit, for them, is the only way they can see out, and, rather than handle it normally…they don’t have the mental or emotional resources to extricate themselves from a relationship like an adult.

Yes…it’s astoundingly cruel.  Yes…you cannot understand what YOU did to deserve it?  How bad must I have been?  You feel like dirt.  But, the problem lies not in you – just that you had the really shitty luck to fall into the trap of a Narcissist.  By the time he left, I was literally drained emotionally, mentally, and financially.  I had nothing left the NARC wanted…so the parasite moved to a new host.

But the one thing he didn’t wreck was my determination.  My determination to rebuild the life in a way that I see fit.  He did not wreck the glimmer of hope I have that I will rebuild stronger than he left me.  It’s the only solace I have – I learned enough to prevent this from happening again.  Once you’ve been ensnared by a Narcissist…you literally can spot them a mile away. 

Oh…in case you’re wondering…the ex-wife was never diagnosed a borderline…he left her financially destitute…he left her with tons of his debt she was stuck paying for.  Maybe 5.5 years faded her memory.  Maybe he has changed (I almost typed that with a straight face.)  Maybe she thinks she can match him wit for wit this time.

But I at least feel safe in knowing…after cleaning up the wreckage he left in our life together – I can say, beyond all shadow of a doubt…the trail he leaves when he departs her life again will definitely not lead this way.