Ending life with a Narcissist is truly…an education. And education into the real person you thought you knew.
And, as you learn more and more about the ‘real’ person behind the masked one you lived with…you will likely find yourself shell-shocked. Whether it’s through Narcissistic Rage as you Gray Rock them, whether it’s finding remnants of the secret life they led in conjuction with the one you lived with them, or just realizing that every memory you have with them you thought was good is now tainted as you see the lies that accompanied their every waking moment. You will undoubtedly feel like you know nothing about them, or yourself as you realize what endured in life with them.
It’s a painful lesson…but one all survivors of these human parasites must learn.
I have learned more about the man I ‘loved’ in two weeks since he left than I clearly ever knew of him in all the years we were together. I have learned that he would look me in the eye, grab my face and hold it, while telling me how sorry he was he had to do what he did – knowing full well he had been planning his exit for months. I learned he thought nothing of defrauding the small company he had been entrusted with building to the point it had to close due to his theft. I learned he was a lecherous pervert who kept various pictures of his genitalia on his phone and sent it to his female subordinates. I learned he thought nothing of making up a devastating health crisis for his oldest son in order to get an absence from work so he could orchestrate his exit strategy from his company that he knew full well he was going to decimate with his fraud.
I desperately need for school to be out: The more I learn, the more the disappointment and guilt overwhelms me, and I grieve for how little the life I thought I had never lived – I can’t even say it died…as something truly alive has to be for it to perish. The man I loved, the relationship I thought we shared…never remotely existed. I can’t take one more lesson in how not only was I expendable, so were the careers and livelihoods of the people who worked hard for him to help him attain monthly bonuses, and the massive trust the company’s owner placed in him. That his partner in life, and his employees and his boss demonstrated loyalty to him that was nothing more than a credit card for him to max out and leave someone else to pay the bill.
Which, given what I am learning about Narcissism, none of this should surprise me – They just do not exist on a level of ‘humanity’ that includes empathy or compassion: I have read that at least 100 times in various forms as I learn, and it still shakes me that these bags of skin walk among us. Accepting that they expertly mimic these qualities you and I have is a very difficult hurdle – it truly is difficult work to get that there are people who exists without these basic tools of humanity. But they do. If you are one of the unfortunate souls tangled in with these people – take heart – be glad it is difficult to understand: It means you are a normal, compassionate human being and not understanding it means you aren’t ever capable of this kind of soul-crushing evil.
As difficult and painful as this education is…I know that, after I learn and absorb these lessons, I will feel better about myself. I will feel better prepared to trust again. And I will feel more empowered to maintain steadfast boundaries to protect those qualities in myself I hold dear.
It seems pretty standard: You end a relationship with someone, more often than not…you have few, if any, nice things to say about them. I get that. Bitterness, anger and hurt all hodgepodge together to create a narrative for the jilted lover to help insulate them from the pain.
However, before I begin to delve into the aspects of my life with a Narcissist, I think it’s important to understand the traits that can lead one to measure high on the spectrum of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I pulled this list from Narcissisticabuse.com, but you can easily find similar lists in many places dealing with this maniacal disorder:
- Self-centered. His needs are paramount.
- No remorse for mistakes or misdeeds.
- Unreliable, undependable.
- Does not care about the consequences of his actions.
- Projects faults on to others. High blaming behavior; never his fault.
- Little if any conscience.
- Insensitive to needs and feelings of others.
- Has a good front (persona) to impress and exploit others.
- Low stress tolerance. Easy to anger and rage.
- People are to be manipulated for his needs.
- Rationalizes easily. Twists conversation to his gain at other’s expense. If trapped, keeps talking, changes the subject or gets angry.
- Pathological lying.
- Tremendous need to control situations, conversations, others.
- No real values. Mostly situational.
- Often perceived as caring and understanding and uses this to manipulate.
- Angry, mercurial, moods.
- Uses sex to control
- Does not share ideas, feelings, emotions.
- Conversation controller. Must have the first and last word.
- Is very slow to forgive others. Hangs onto resentment.
- Secret life. Hides money, friends, activities.
- Likes annoying others. Likes to create chaos and disrupt for no reason.
- Moody – switches from nice guy to anger without much provocation.
- Repeatedly fails to honor financial obligations.
- Seldom expresses appreciation.
- Grandiose. Convinced he knows more than others and is correct in all he does.
- Lacks ability to see how he comes across to others. Defensive when confronted with his behavior. Never his fault.
- Can get emotional, tearful. This is about show or frustration rather than sorrow.
- He breaks woman’s spirits to keep them dependent.
- Needs threats, intimidations to keep others close to him.
- Sabotages partner. Wants her to be happy only through him and to have few or no outside interests and acquaintances.
- Highly contradictory.
- Convincing. Must convince people to side with him.
- Hides his real self. Always “on”
- Kind only if he’s getting from you what he wants.
- He has to be right. He has to win. He has to look good.
- He announces, not discusses. He tells, not asks.
- Does not discuss openly, has a hidden agenda.
- Controls money of others but spends freely on himself.
- Unilateral condition of, “I’m OK and justified so I don’t need to hear your position or ideas”
- Always feels misunderstood.
- You feel miserable with this person. He drains you.
- Does not listen because he does not care.
- His feelings are discussed, not the partners.
- Is not interested in problem-solving.
- Very good at reading people, so he can manipulate them. Sometimes called gaslighting.
As I try and evaluate the aftermath of my life with him now conspicuously absent, I will explain aspects of our life together that typified many of these behaviors, so there is no question that I’m just ‘venting’ in order to make myself look good: I put up with these behaviors for 5 years, and excused then, rationalized them, and did everything I could to conform to my ever-shifting and unattainable ‘goals’ set forth by the man who shared my life.
But I also need to fully understand, for myself, what about me happened along the way when I was getting blamed for his actions, conversations I could clearly remember were ‘shifted’ in his retelling, and there was absolutely no discussion about my goals or desires for our relationship – I was along for his ride, until my usefulness on his journey ran it’s course, and I was discarded. What in me allowed this to happen? What parts of myself do I have to examine and repair so this never happens again?
It’s a long road, and will likely be lonely – but it’s MY road now, and I don’t have someone telling me how to walk it. I guess that’s something.