Closure: Good Luck with That

Cleaning up the mess of a life shared when the one you shared it with left you with a ton of mess in all varieties is, shall we say, full of suck.

His rapid exit made for some interesting problems.  I cannot remain in the apartment we shared, due to his name being on the lease.  I have things in storage, but am having difficulty getting them out, as the storage unit was in his name, and the access code is not in my memory bank.  I have too much furniture for the smaller apartment I am moving too soon, and have to get rid of it.  I am paying off the last of his bills, but that means less than no money left for myself.

In short…getting to the Anger phase of a breakup has been remarkably easy, given the circumstances.

Mentally, I feel like I’m much farther along than I would expect to be, ending a 5 and a half year relationship that was supposed to culminate in marriage.  I think I’m just glad it’s over.  In retrospect, I was growing tired of the tension that was growing as my patience and tolerance for his Narcissistic tendencies was waning.

But the problem has become that, as I move into a new phase of my life…getting closure on this one is going to be more difficult.

Normally, closure isn’t so difficult to achieve.  Disentangling your life from a partners us normally done over a period of time – you find new places to live, divvy up the stuff, possibly have a few discussions if it’s worth salvaging.

But with a NARC – you cannot expect this.

They thrive on creating chaos out of others’ lives.  They derive strength in knowing they’ve left wakes of destruction for those behind them.  They live for ‘the kill.’ 

And they do NOT stick around to watch. 

Kyle and I broke up for the second time 13 years ago – it was remarkably easy to write it off as difficulties due to the three hours between us.  We stayed in sporadic contact during the time he was married to his 3rd ex-wife (Who he just left me for.)  There was a time he separated from her during the marriage, and we had a weekend tryst…but that was the extent of our involvement during his marriage.  He supposedly reconciled with her and they lived another 3 years before calling it quits.

Had I known then what I know now about his Narcissism, I would have NEVER opened the door when he came knocking.  He had exhausted her as a source of Narcissistic supply…and returned back to his other sure source – me.  At that point, I had cultivated enough in my life that I didn’t long for him…honestly didn’t give him much of a second thought at that point.  I had gotten closure by that point.

Now, however, it’s much more needed, and I know there is no way to get it.  NARCS will not come back in the recent aftermath – you are too likely to accuse them of being the parasitic worms they are, and truth and reality do NOT mix with a NARC.

They do not understand the hurt and pain they cause, so to be confronted with it would cause a cognitive dissonance that their minds are not equipped to process.  You will NOT ever get closure with a Narcissist to a degree that makes you feel you’ve put all your issues to rest with them if you are expecting them to participate. 

So, I have set on my own path of ‘closure.’  I have blocked his number and his facebook from me.  I have added his email to my spam list.  I have told my neighbors to please not give him information about me if he asks them where I’ve gone.  My Apartment complex managers know the situation, and promise me they will not provide my forwarding address.

No Contact is not easy.  I find I want to text and ask him ‘Why?’  I notice I want to email him and ask him what he expects me to do with artifacts he left behind.  I would love to know the access code to our storage unit – but calling him would risk his testing the waters when he decides his ex wife has given him all he needs.   I will have to find other ways.  It is not worth it to risk contacting him, giving his soul-sucking ego one morsel of satisfaction that he’s in my thoughts. 

I gave him enough of my past.  I refuse to give him one second of my future.  And it’s funny…because that realization alone makes me feel like I’m going to get closure I need.

I just need to give it time.

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Trails of Wreckage

I have to admit that I am not very good at certain things:  Patience…keeping my car clean on the inside (Hey…no one ever asks me to drive…there IS a method to my madness!)….and bagging groceries.

When I lived on my own the first time, right after college…I had to go to the grocery store by myself.  And long gone were the baggers of old, who knew what they were doing.  I just threw crap in my bags, and left.

There is an art to it, as I learned.  I would get to the car, and realize that I’d left half the stuff behind as it randomly fell out because I wasn’t careful.  I usually had to end up playing grocery pickup…but I would still end up leaving behind a mess that either someone else picked up, or just scattered to God knows where.

That’s kind of like what happens when you end a relationship with a Narcissist.  They are utterly devoid of compassion and remorse…and if it might make them remotely ‘guilty’…it will be avoided at all costs.

And their previous mess, that came before you…is likely covered in their lies as well.

Case in point – when my NARC left his ex-wife, I was told it was impossible for him to continue living with her, as she was not treating her Borderline Personality Disorder, it was too difficult for him, and it was ‘putting the kids through too much.’  Oh, and she spent money like it was going out of style. 

He came to my doorstep, after 8 years apart, and expressed his never-died-out-love for me, how he appreciated what I offered him…blah, blah, blah.  I succumbed to his charm and ‘sincerity’, and promised to help him through the difficult part of the ‘tail end of his divorce.’  (I found out, years later, that the divorce, at that point, hadn’t even been officially filed.  Yes, our relationship reignited under a huge lie.  I am no longer surprised by the lies I continually find out I was told.)

Now…I knew at one point, he was a devoted single father to his oldest son when we dated the first time…so I shuddered to think what happened to make him abandon his own children with her.  What kind of living hell was this person going through to take so drastic a measure.

My guess is that ‘living hell’ was responsibility – but I digress.

Flash Forward 5 ½ years later.  I am under constant stress from a rental property that I can only bet describe as ‘left as a disaster’, that drained my personal savings to almost nothing as I sent check after check after check for repairs and maintenance the tenant never brought to my attention to fix.  He was aware of all of these, and assured me he’d help if I needed it.  So…additional repairs needed to be made…and of course…there were problems at his bank.  Oh…I thought I transferred that…excuse after excuse, but no help came.

Then, he ‘poofed’, under the guise of a business trip.  There was also the matter of charges he made that were WAY over my comfort level on the American Express.  He kept saying ‘sure…I will pay it.’  Then, made more charges…and more charges.  Then left.

He, of course, looked me in the eye on our last night together, and told me he was sending me money to cover those…help pay the remaining rent on our exorbitant lease…and to pay for furniture we picked out a few months ago that was on my charges as well.

Yes…you will notice a recurring them…MY Charges…MY account.  With such a spotty employment history, a repossession (his ex-wife’s fault…of course!)…his obtaining his own credit was nothing short of impossible.  So hey…just use mine!  Problem solved!  Again…I digress.

I made him sign a promissory note, detailing what he would pay, and when.  Why no…I haven’t seen a dime of it…why do you ask?

He left a day before a romantic cruise we had booked just a month before.  He left me with debts, and apartment that is too big for me in both size and lease, a giant saltwater fish tank that is a gross, smelly monstrosity at this point because I know slightly more about astro-physics than I do salt-water tank care.  He left me with tons of his clothes that I can only assume did not costume him well for his ‘new’ life.

He left me with tons of wreckage to clean up…a broken heart to do it with…and not two dimes to my name after paying all his bills on top of my own.

That is the hallmark of a Narcissist.  They come in, stay…then destroy what they can, how they can, and they leave with  bang just to make sure the rubble they leave gets blasted to sithereens.  They don’t care that they’ve left you…the person they ‘love’, with practical, financial, and emotional ruins.  They only care that they can move on with as little baggage as possible.

It seems unfathomable that people can treat people that way.  The Narcissist loves nothing more than a grand exit.  Maybe they leave you in such a state because they want to leave you so devastated you keep waiting for them to swoop in and rescue.  Perhaps it’s that they, like Heath Ledger’s Joker, ‘Just like to watch the world burn.’  It might just be that exit, for them, is the only way they can see out, and, rather than handle it normally…they don’t have the mental or emotional resources to extricate themselves from a relationship like an adult.

Yes…it’s astoundingly cruel.  Yes…you cannot understand what YOU did to deserve it?  How bad must I have been?  You feel like dirt.  But, the problem lies not in you – just that you had the really shitty luck to fall into the trap of a Narcissist.  By the time he left, I was literally drained emotionally, mentally, and financially.  I had nothing left the NARC wanted…so the parasite moved to a new host.

But the one thing he didn’t wreck was my determination.  My determination to rebuild the life in a way that I see fit.  He did not wreck the glimmer of hope I have that I will rebuild stronger than he left me.  It’s the only solace I have – I learned enough to prevent this from happening again.  Once you’ve been ensnared by a Narcissist…you literally can spot them a mile away. 

Oh…in case you’re wondering…the ex-wife was never diagnosed a borderline…he left her financially destitute…he left her with tons of his debt she was stuck paying for.  Maybe 5.5 years faded her memory.  Maybe he has changed (I almost typed that with a straight face.)  Maybe she thinks she can match him wit for wit this time.

But I at least feel safe in knowing…after cleaning up the wreckage he left in our life together – I can say, beyond all shadow of a doubt…the trail he leaves when he departs her life again will definitely not lead this way. 

School is in Session

Ending life with a Narcissist is truly…an education.  And education into the real person you thought you knew. 

And, as you learn more and more about the ‘real’ person behind the masked one you lived with…you will likely find yourself shell-shocked.  Whether it’s through Narcissistic Rage as you Gray Rock them,  whether it’s finding remnants of the secret life they led in conjuction with the one you lived with them, or just realizing that every memory you have with them you thought was good is now tainted as you see the lies that accompanied their every waking moment.  You will undoubtedly feel like you know nothing about them, or yourself as you realize what endured in life with them.

It’s a painful lesson…but one all survivors of these human parasites must learn.

I have learned more about the man I ‘loved’ in two weeks since he left than I clearly ever knew of him in all the years we were together.  I have learned that he would look me in the eye, grab my face and hold it, while telling me how sorry he was he had to do what he did – knowing full well he had been planning his exit for months.  I learned he thought nothing of defrauding the small company he had been entrusted with building to the point it had to close due to his theft.  I learned he was a lecherous pervert who kept various pictures of his genitalia on his phone and sent it to his female subordinates.   I learned he thought nothing of making up a devastating health crisis for his oldest son in order to get an absence from work so he could orchestrate his exit strategy from his company that he knew full well he was going to decimate with his fraud.

I desperately need for school to be out:  The more I learn, the more the disappointment and guilt overwhelms me, and I grieve for how little the life I thought I had never lived – I can’t even say it died…as something truly alive has to be for it to perish.  The man I loved, the relationship I thought we shared…never remotely existed.  I can’t take one more lesson in how not only was I expendable, so were the careers and livelihoods of the people who worked hard for him to help him attain monthly bonuses, and the massive trust the company’s owner placed in him.  That his partner in life, and his employees and his boss demonstrated loyalty to him that was nothing more than a credit card for him to max out and leave someone else to pay the bill.

Which, given what I am learning about Narcissism, none of this should surprise me – They just do not exist on a level of ‘humanity’ that includes empathy or compassion:  I have read that at least 100 times in various forms as I learn, and it still shakes me that these bags of skin walk among us.  Accepting that they expertly mimic these qualities you and I have is a very difficult hurdle – it truly is difficult work to get that there are people who exists without these basic tools of humanity.  But they do.  If you are one of the unfortunate souls tangled in with these people – take heart – be glad it is difficult to understand:  It means you are a normal, compassionate human being and not understanding it means you aren’t ever capable of this kind of soul-crushing evil.

As difficult and painful as this education is…I know that, after I learn and absorb these lessons, I will feel better about myself.  I will feel better prepared to trust again.  And I will feel more empowered to maintain steadfast boundaries to protect those qualities in myself I hold dear.